What Happened in March?

devon-janse-van-rensburg-600891-unsplash.jpg

So, March was kind of an odd month. It started with shipping Jay, and all his worldly possessions, down to our (future) new home in Baltimore and buying a whole apartment's worth of new furniture (it was like the more expensive version of that children's book "if you give a mouse a cookie...", or in the case "if Sara finds a rug she really likes...") and ended with his return to Boston for a quick weekend visit. It feels like I've experienced an entire year's worth of emotions and compressed them into a single month. There were highs, lows, and bittersweet directions I didn't even know existed, but at the end of the day it's brought me to some very interesting realizations.

For an already temperamental month March really outdid itself this year. There were days that were warm and sunny and actually felt like spring, followed by surprise blizzards. There were deeply sad moments (driving away without him, spending most of my birthday alone), but also some gleeful ones (not sharing my leftover cake with anyone and not feeling in the least bit guilty about it). It's taken a few weeks to rediscover my own rhythm, but I'm finally getting comfortable hanging out in this weird limbo I've found myself in.

At times it's been lonely -- thank goodness I have cats to talk to (don't judge)! -- but it also affords me some extra room to breathe. I can wake up early and make it to a sunrise yoga class, eat leftovers for days on end, and plan weekends around my schedule. As much as I wish we could both be in the same place at the same time and as much as I'm looking forward to getting married (six months to go!) I'm using this time now as an experiment to find the things in myself I want to keep and the things I'm ok with doing without.

I've gotten so used to sharing my life with other people, other schedules and agendas, and different preferences and requests that it has actually taken some time for me to settle into something that is truly my own. For someone who has always cherished alone time I was a little surprised by how out of sync I felt with what I needed. I'm used to having someone else to consider and consult with, even if the answer I get most often for dinner related questions is "it doesn't matter to me", that it's been an interesting practice in self-discovery for how I want to spend my time and how I want to prioritize my life.

I've been known to tell my yoga students that there's no better place to get comfortable with being uncomfortable than a yoga class (specifically while hanging out in pigeon pose). This last month I've had to take my own advice to heart and truly live that practice. This separation isn't forever, but neither is the certainty I have in my life here. I'll be moving without a job, and while I do have a plan, it'll be a whole new experiment to get to know myself in a new city.

As much as I didn't plan on finding myself in Boston (let alone finding my life here), that's exactly what happened. It's been my home for the past four years and I've also come to feel more at home in myself and my life in that time. As uprooting as it's been to be separated from my man-friend/life partner/betrothed the uprooting still has further to go. Good thing I know I always have a place in myself.

This recipe for Mustardy Mushrooms is helping to keep me grounded. Mushrooms will always be a comfort food for be, but brightening them up with mustard and lemon makes me feel like maybe spring truly is on the horizon!

sara biondelloComment